2016 is the Year of the Bridesmaid for me.
By the time you’re reading this I will have seen three friends say “I do” whilst standing beside them and I still have two more vows to sit through in the next three months.
Put it this way, my bra is perpetually stuffed with tissues.
Friends, I’ve seen it all. At the last wedding I went to, the Father of the Bride started stripping in the ceremony… but that’s a whole other column (and session with my therapist).
Weddings are merry, usually muddled and memorable. They tell you it will be the greatest day of your life, they tell you it’s over in a blink of an eye and you’ll create memories that will last forever.
They’re not lying, they’re just not telling you the WHOLE truth. So I will. Hold onto your garters.
Firstly, your wedding dress will get TRASHED
Yep, THE dress you searched for months, told your fiancé was on sale when it actually cost triple what you’d agreed upon and made your mum do the Claire Danes ugly cry face will look NOTHING like the dress you purchased.
That delicate lace bodice will be ripped by Aunty Betsy’s brooch and that distant cousin that you didn’t want to invite but felt you had too, he will spill red wine down the back. There’s always an incident; whether its during photos or on the dance floor, veils are ripped and the white goes home resembling poo brown.
You’ll feel anxious for most of the day
In fact, you’ll feel like you’re working. All my friends went through it and it’s SO natural; you’ve just worked so bloody hard for that one day; you want everything to be perfect. You’ll get a little snappy, Blair Waldorf style but we’ll still love you for it.
There will be guests who don’t bring you a gift, not even a card!
I know it’s not about the gift, it’s about them being there for the celebration but seriously, not even a card? The happy couple will live on rice for the next 12 months paying off the lobster you inhaled at the seafood station, a little Hallmark generic poem wouldn’t go astray.
Believe it or not, you also need to lock your wishing well, because I’ve seen envelopes with cash go walk about. Once it was staff at an event, once it was another guest. It’s terrible, but a reality.
You’ll have more fun as a guest at the next wedding you go to
You’ll know what it’s like to be on the other side and you’ll take the opportunity to sit back, relax, chat, drink and not make a speech.
Finally, you probably won’t do the wild thing with your new hubby on the night of your wedding
You’ll both be exhausted. So that Honey Birdette set you ran every day for four months to look smoking in, keep it in the cupboard, babes (we know it’ll come out at some stage).
Everyone will have gone home, you’ll be checking your Facey and Insta accounts to see who posted what and you’ll be stoked that you two pulled it off.
Also, that gorgeous partner you’ve been dying to call your husband for so long? Now you can.
The ruined dress, the drunk cousin, the fact you didn’t get a slice of your own cake.. it won’t matter. You’re married and now the adventure begins.
Good luck, from Miss Bridesmaid 2016.